Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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