what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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