Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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