my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
