The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
