Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
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