my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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