Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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