Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
