No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
