I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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