Yo dont text me then not text me
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
