she woke up with a sticky ear
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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