why didn't you poke me back
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
