I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
