And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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