I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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