But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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