Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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