i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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