She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
