Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
