ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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