He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
