1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Just cropdusted the office
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
