I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize
