Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Randomize
