I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
