it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
