If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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