It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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