That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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