She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
