I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I love you. Go after that dick
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
