the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
