So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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