Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
