I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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