I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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