remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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