Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
40s are totally the cure
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
