Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
