On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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