Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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