I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
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