Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
