So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
tell your sister to shave her snatch
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
