morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
