Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
