I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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