Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
